I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable

Category: Uncategorized

  • I’m all jumbled up

    So sad and the air feels so heavy. I keep forgetting to breathe. When I remember, I find myself gasping dramatically in a way that’s probably very annoying to anyone around, but nobody says anything because they know I am “going through it.”

    I am utterly unable to believe that my best friend is dead. I am completely furious at him for thinking he could use again after being clean for so long. I want to shake him and tell him what an idiot he is, and then I start crying because I’m a horrible person for thinking my dead best friend is an idiot, despite still not really understanding that he is, in fact, dead.

    I want to write and write and write about this but I have to force myself to get even this much out. I keep pulling up our text messages so I can see the hearts he sent me the night before he died. I stare at those emojis like I’m deciphering a message he left for me, something that would explain why he had to leave me or just a funny thing that he knows would make me laugh.

    I haven’t laughed in a while.

  • Two weeks & two days ago

    I lost my best friend to an overdose. Fuck opiates.

    Love you, my guy.

  • I feel like I’m losing my ability to write.

    The words don’t flow as easily as they used to, they just clunk around on the screen or the paper like they have no business being there.

  • 100 days sober!!!!!

    That’s it, that’s my whole post. Yay

  • what to expect when you’re expecting

    I surely don’t have a clue. But I sure am thrilled to be on this journey.

    Lil Pea Brain. Due May 2023.

  • pb

    I love you already.

  • the luxury of a Marlboro menthol cigarette.

    I’ve been smoking Lucky Strikes for weeks because they’re cheap and I’m dirt floor poor in this season of my life.

    This Marlboro black menthol 100 feels absolutely fucking luxurious. I savor each and every drag and exhale slowly, watch the smoke trail away, little wisps in the air.

    I shouldn’t have bought them. They’re two dollars more per pack, and that starts hurting quick when you’re a pack (and some change) a day smoker. But goddamn I just wanted to feel Not Poor for a few minutes.

    I sit on my front porch and I stub out the cigarette and immediately light another, and for a few moments I am the richest person on earth.

    (Disclaimer: I’m very aware that cigarettes are terrible for humans and that I’m having a moment and romanticizing my crippling nicotine addiction.)

  • keto

    starts tomorrow-o.

    I’m going to be posting recipes so I can keep up with them; I’ve already found a couple that sound great and don’t seem too difficult (my skill level in the kitchen is sitting at about zero).

    I’m looking forward to it.

  • for her.

    I stay sober for the woman who was afraid to die but too scared to live.

    For the woman who never thought she’d amount to anything more than drunken wasted potential.

    For the woman who clawed her way through hell to ask for help.

    For the woman who saved her own life for one more chance.

  • 9.2.22