I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable

Category: Uncategorized

  • Old reliable

    Sam’s Club is the only place near enough to my work to actually get food at lunch. So every Wednesday, I spend my half an hour break at Sam’s Club. Not to shop. To eat. Where else can you get two huge (delicious) slices of pizza and a drink for $2.50?

    I usually end up taking a short lunch or eating at my desk so I can keep working, but Wednesdays are sacred.

    I get thirty minutes to myself in the middle of consistently hectic work days where the tasks never stop pouring in.

    Sometimes I take a notebook and write. Never anything profound, just whatever’s on my mind. Other times I just sit and people-watch. Whatever I do, I look forward to that brief reprieve every week.

    Thanks, Sam’s.

    PS this isn’t an ad, I just really fucking love their pizza.

  • I like going to Ollie’s on my lunch break because they have really cheap coloring books.

    A lot of them are super terrible.

    For instance, there’s a Donald Trump sticker and activity book. There’s a surprising number of Taylor Swift books. I didn’t even think we needed one of those but I don’t make the rules. They also have these cute and cozy coloring books that are super popular right now except they’re the Ollie’s version so a little weird.

    Anyway, this is dangerous for me because I’m an impulsive buyer. I loooove to spend and buy myself things, a lot of which I probably don’t need, if I’m being honest. It feels good because I can spend some money there and get my fix without breaking the bank.

    Should I really be trying to get my fix, though?

    Or should I be examining this and finding healthier ways to ride out the urge?

    Probably the second one. It has to be the second one.

  • What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

    Well, my addictive personality wants to chime in here and say that I’ve historically used substances to escape the reality of being an actual human with emotions.

    I preferred dumping metaphorical garbage all over my life. It made me feel better about the chaos when I would, inevitably, eventually sober up and feel things again.

    Something I could point to and say, “see? Everything sucks and it hurts all the time,” as an explanation for why my life looked the way it did.

    Kinda cliche, huh?

    I’d love to pretend like I’ve completely evolved as a person since getting sober for good, but I am who I am and I’ve had time to accept that.

    I still have poor coping mechanisms, but these days I try to stop for a millisecond here and there and feel my feelings.

  • Let her in.

    She’ll come in the after,
    once everyone else goes back to their lives
    leaving you alone and full of holes.
    When she knocks at your door,
    let her in.
    She’ll stand there on your doorstep forever otherwise,
    a barrier between you and all the life still left to live.
    Take her in.
    Care for her.
    Lovingly, tenderly,
    as you would a small child.
    She too is confused and terrified,
    and yet somehow holy.
    She will haunt you for the rest of your days.
    She is sacred; the light of every loss that created her shines so bright
    under a cloak of melancholia.
    She is nostalgia for moments long-gone
    and the ache of love left behind.
    So let her in.
    Wash her feet, let her rest,
    let her settle.
    She isn’t going anywhere.

  • In my head

    reflecting and being honest with myself about my readiness to accept less than I know I need for my happiness and fulfillment instead of confronting something uncomfortable.

  • 2025’s lessons

    1. The people you surround yourself with are a direct reflection of you.
    2. Your intuition is usually right, stop doubting yourself.
    3. It’s possible to make a life worth living after grief destroys yours.
    4. #3 is an excruciatingly painful realization.
    5. People will talk all day but their actions define their true character.
    6. Sometimes you have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to walk away. The wisdom is in knowing the difference.
    7. Addiction is insidious.
    8. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
    9. You would probably benefit from therapy. We all would.
    10. Not a whole lot of good happens on social media.
    11. There’s always hope; you can always change.

  • to everything there is a season

    it all passes eventually. five years from now, the very moment you’re existing in will most likely have faded into oblivion, wherever memories go to be archived when they aren’t needed.

    you know, the mundane things of life: what you did at your job today, what you’re having for dinner, the fight you had with your partner. in the grand scheme of things, none of this matters.

    but right now, right here, it matters at this moment. i’m committing to making my moments more meaningful, even if they’re inaccessible to me years from now. because i will remember the joy, if not the specific circumstances.

    and i want to remember the joy. all of it.

  • Walt Whitman Said It Better Than I Ever Could

    Walt Whitman Said It Better Than I Ever Could

    These are the strange in-between days,

    a fever dream I can’t escape,

    the unsettling quiet after the war.

    But is it after or is it before?

    Stuck in purgatory in this place.

    All I ever wanted was more.

  • still

    my grief’s razor-sharp edges, now blunted, still cut. i still bleed when i pick it up.

  • “I am loved, I am not a disappointment.”

    This text was from 2022 just before I checked myself into detox for alcohol. She made me cry. She took all the best parts of me with her when she died, but I’m determined to get them back. That’s what she would want for me.