of 2023.
I think I read 6 total last year so this is a big deal. I let my hobbies fall by the wayside for too long in my addiction, and now I’m ready to pick them back up.
Category: Uncategorized
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Every second is a miracle
Less than a week away from 7 months sober and feeling very grateful today.
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Befuddled
My brain is pure befuddlement. I can’t focus on anything and my thoughts are zooming around at lightning speed but ultimately going nowhere.
I am so easily distracted. I was taking a break from work in hopes that I could focus better when I came back, and in my untethered daze I somehow ended up scrolling Facebook both on my phone and my computer browser.
This is not ideal, obviously.
I can’t wait until next year when I can be properly medicated and yet again a functional human being.
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Growing pains
Nobody told me about the growing pains of getting sober.
The ache, the satisfaction, of stretching and settling into myself.
The painful nostalgia revisiting the frantic fever dream that was the before, the sheer relief that I don’t live there anymore.
The pride, the goddamn pride I feel knowing that finally, fucking finally, I meet the standards for decent human being, that actually I’m a pretty good one.
I delight in myself. With me is a nice place to be.
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I’m all jumbled up
So sad and the air feels so heavy. I keep forgetting to breathe. When I remember, I find myself gasping dramatically in a way that’s probably very annoying to anyone around, but nobody says anything because they know I am “going through it.”
I am utterly unable to believe that my best friend is dead. I am completely furious at him for thinking he could use again after being clean for so long. I want to shake him and tell him what an idiot he is, and then I start crying because I’m a horrible person for thinking my dead best friend is an idiot, despite still not really understanding that he is, in fact, dead.
I want to write and write and write about this but I have to force myself to get even this much out. I keep pulling up our text messages so I can see the hearts he sent me the night before he died. I stare at those emojis like I’m deciphering a message he left for me, something that would explain why he had to leave me or just a funny thing that he knows would make me laugh.
I haven’t laughed in a while.
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I feel like I’m losing my ability to write.
The words don’t flow as easily as they used to, they just clunk around on the screen or the paper like they have no business being there.
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what to expect when you’re expecting
I surely don’t have a clue. But I sure am thrilled to be on this journey.
Lil Pea Brain. Due May 2023.
I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable 