Brain is jumbled, anxiously awaiting the results of my echocardiogram done Thursday, doing a lot of self-reflection in the meantime.
Writing doesn’t come so naturally these days; images are more my thing at the moment.
Category: Uncategorized
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I spend a lot of time crying in your closet.
Is this even therapeutic? I put my thoughts down on paper but they’re still in my head. 
I unplugged the hearing aids a few weeks ago. Today I plugged them back in, because it made me feel better. 
Everything is just as it was but nothing is the same. 
I can see each of these sweaters on and they all look beautiful. I can’t look at the hat with the polka dots without wanting to cry; main hat in rotation for chemo and associated with the beginning of the end in my mind. 
The cream colored one in the middle was purchased in North Carolina over Christmas in December 2022, a surprise while us younger girls were out shopping. I don’t think it was worn again after the diagnosis in March 2023.
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regrets.
wanna be a little fish in a vodka sea
wish I were the person my grandparents thought I’d be
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List 30 things that make you happy.
1. Stella
2. Joshua
3. Dude, my dog
4. My grandma beating brain cancer this year
5. My GOSH DANG SOBRIETY
6. A body that never gave up on me
7. Medication
8. A house that belongs to me
9. The ability & privilege to be a SAHM until I find the perfect job
10. Hannah banana
11. Video games with friends
12. Drawing & creating
13. Health insurance
14. Caffeine & nicotine
15. RuPaul’s Drag Race marathons with my love
16. The chili in the fridge that I’m gonna tear up later
17. The cool(er) weather we’re having today
18. First cup of coffee in the morning
19. A full night’s sleep
20. Stella’s toothless grins
21. Dollar Tree outings
22. My baby girl falling asleep in my arms
23. When the fast food fries are hot & perfectly seasoned
24. My Mema’s laugh
25. Being the biggest weirdos in the world with my madre
26. Diet Coke
27. Decluttering & giving away things
28. Writing
29. Finding a book to immerse myself in
30. Bettering myself every day
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Stella
Tomorrow makes one week since my daughter was born. The best, most emotional, exciting week of my life.
I didn’t know it was possible to love another living thing this much. Every time I look at her I feel a love so strong it almost physically pains me, a love so strong it could bring me to my knees.
One week ago I had no idea what my daughter would be like. Today, as I watch her sleeping peacefully, I know without a doubt I would do anything for her if necessary.
She is perfect.
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Three days shy of eight months sober.
The last time I strung together eight months of sobriety was in 2016, over six years ago, & I relapsed shortly after that anniversary. Took me until last summer to get help. I’m scared to be here again. My brain says I’ll fail, & it doesn’t help that I just got taken off one of my meds, a mood stabilizer, so my mental health’s currently curled up in a corner crying somewhere, thirsting for a drink. Or 14.
Going through withdrawal from this med is weird because I’m realizing it numbed me from my anxiety, my rage, my sadness & mania, but also from my happiness. I’ve cried countless times in the last few days, but I’ve also started singing in the car again. Noticing how the sunlight filters through the trees into my room while I’m working. Appreciating my loved ones more, smiling from the love I feel for them.
I’m happy & I’m sad; I’m elated & scared. And I’m okay with feeling all of these things, because I know I can handle them as long as I stay sober.
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burnout/tune-up
It’s been struggle city here lately in Kirsten land, specifically in the area of mental health.
Maybe the pregnancy hormones are the real culprit here, but does the root cause matter when I’m experiencing such mental anguish? I haven’t been able to regulate my emotions for months and I become irrational and borderline hysterical at the drop of a hat.
I don’t remember the last time I felt really, truly happy. Sure, I smile and laugh sometimes, but there’s nothing of substance there.
I don’t get much done at work these days. I avoid and procrastinate and freeze instead. There’s a mountain looming over me and I feel sure it’ll come crashing down soon.
Got a new PCP today. He’s upping my Zoloft and referring me for ADHD testing.
I’m trying to let myself feel the little bit of hope that’s struggling to break through the fog in my head. It’d be nice to feel some semblance of normalcy again.
This post is all over the place.
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3am thoughts
My brain won’t settle down.
It’s been screaming for vodka for days, which I’ve ignored, so now it’s feeding me a romanticized version of my life as a drinker. And it’s starting to get to me.
I’m not going to drink but God this gets so beyond tiresome sometimes. Sometimes I just want a normal brain, not an alcoholic one, not a sober one, not a “one drink away from disaster” brain.
I love my sobriety and am so grateful for it but moments like these where my brain’s just chipping away at my resolve are exhausting and I don’t feel like hunting for the lesson that I’m sure is buried somewhere in all of this.
I am tired.
I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable 