So sad and the air feels so heavy. I keep forgetting to breathe. When I remember, I find myself gasping dramatically in a way that’s probably very annoying to anyone around, but nobody says anything because they know I am “going through it.”

I am utterly unable to believe that my best friend is dead. I am completely furious at him for thinking he could use again after being clean for so long. I want to shake him and tell him what an idiot he is, and then I start crying because I’m a horrible person for thinking my dead best friend is an idiot, despite still not really understanding that he is, in fact, dead.

I want to write and write and write about this but I have to force myself to get even this much out. I keep pulling up our text messages so I can see the hearts he sent me the night before he died. I stare at those emojis like I’m deciphering a message he left for me, something that would explain why he had to leave me or just a funny thing that he knows would make me laugh.

I haven’t laughed in a while.