if you write your blog titles like news headlines, it really drives home how your life is meaningless + that most people don’t give a shit about the banality of the lives of others

so without booze, i haven’t felt much of anything besides general indifference. no pink cloud, no hopeless depression, no fits of rage.

until two days ago, one of those days where everything is just lousy.

maybe your body aches all over (by you i mean me). maybe you’ve been sleep deprived for several days in a row + your brain + body are realizing that. maybe you have a to do list so daunting you refuse to actually write it down because then it becomes something that actually exists + must be addressed, but you have no motivation to even jot down the top few priorities.

maybe all of this culminates in you (me) facedown, sobbing into your pillow, at 2pm on a Tuesday while your well-intentioned but decidedly non-alcoholic mother alternates between advice from Loving an Alcoholic 101 and trying to sympathize by talking about her meth stint in the nineties.

this only makes you cry harder. when she leaves, you text half like six people about how fucking badly you want a drink suddenly. one is there within minutes. you’re safe. no drinking tonight.

but what about the next time?