I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable

Tag: substance abuse

  • What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

    Well, my addictive personality wants to chime in here and say that I’ve historically used substances to escape the reality of being an actual human with emotions.

    I preferred dumping metaphorical garbage all over my life. It made me feel better about the chaos when I would, inevitably, eventually sober up and feel things again.

    Something I could point to and say, “see? Everything sucks and it hurts all the time,” as an explanation for why my life looked the way it did.

    Kinda cliche, huh?

    I’d love to pretend like I’ve completely evolved as a person since getting sober for good, but I am who I am and I’ve had time to accept that.

    I still have poor coping mechanisms, but these days I try to stop for a millisecond here and there and feel my feelings.

  • Three days shy of eight months sober.

    The last time I strung together eight months of sobriety was in 2016, over six years ago, & I relapsed shortly after that anniversary. Took me until last summer to get help. I’m scared to be here again. My brain says I’ll fail, & it doesn’t help that I just got taken off one of my meds, a mood stabilizer, so my mental health’s currently curled up in a corner crying somewhere, thirsting for a drink. Or 14.

    Going through withdrawal from this med is weird because I’m realizing it numbed me from my anxiety, my rage, my sadness & mania, but also from my happiness. I’ve cried countless times in the last few days, but I’ve also started singing in the car again. Noticing how the sunlight filters through the trees into my room while I’m working. Appreciating my loved ones more, smiling from the love I feel for them.

    I’m happy & I’m sad; I’m elated & scared. And I’m okay with feeling all of these things, because I know I can handle them as long as I stay sober.