The cream colored one in the middle was purchased in North Carolina over Christmas in December 2022, a surprise while us younger girls were out shopping. I don’t think it was worn again after the diagnosis in March 2023.
Tag: loss
-
I spend a lot of time crying in your closet.
Is this even therapeutic? I put my thoughts down on paper but they’re still in my head. I unplugged the hearing aids a few weeks ago. Today I plugged them back in, because it made me feel better. Everything is just as it was but nothing is the same. I can see each of these sweaters on and they all look beautiful. I can’t look at the hat with the polka dots without wanting to cry; main hat in rotation for chemo and associated with the beginning of the end in my mind.
-
I’m all jumbled up
So sad and the air feels so heavy. I keep forgetting to breathe. When I remember, I find myself gasping dramatically in a way that’s probably very annoying to anyone around, but nobody says anything because they know I am “going through it.”
I am utterly unable to believe that my best friend is dead. I am completely furious at him for thinking he could use again after being clean for so long. I want to shake him and tell him what an idiot he is, and then I start crying because I’m a horrible person for thinking my dead best friend is an idiot, despite still not really understanding that he is, in fact, dead.
I want to write and write and write about this but I have to force myself to get even this much out. I keep pulling up our text messages so I can see the hearts he sent me the night before he died. I stare at those emojis like I’m deciphering a message he left for me, something that would explain why he had to leave me or just a funny thing that he knows would make me laugh.
I haven’t laughed in a while.
I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable 