I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable

Tag: alcoholism

  • From 5.1.22

    I will no longer hold precious space in my heart for anyone who doesn’t also hold the same place in theirs for me.

    Playing the victim is leading me nowhere except an early grave from substance abuse.

    I was a victim but I don’t have to continue to stay in that position. From here on out, I will try my best to address my traumas in only healthy ways to give myself the chance at life that I deserve, instead of engaging in dangerous coping mechanisms that are only fleetingly self-serving, but will happily see me lowered into the ground before I hit 35.

  • No, the dates aren’t backwards.

    Alcoholism is just a sneaky deceitful bitch that will break you down completely in what feels like a second, but was actually the last decade of your life.

    2012: “I am happy now, yes, but I am also sad and confused and still searching. I can’t tell you that, typing this, I am completely okay with my sobriety or that it is always easy. It is never easy; on the contrary, sometimes it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. But it is better than going back to the self-destruction that I set out to accomplish before. It is better than drinking.”
    — It’s always better than drinking.

    2021: I relapsed on December 12th and spent that whole week drinking mercilessly. I became a monster, screaming in the faces of people I loved, almost physically aggressive at one point. Cops were called multiple times over domestic altercations. Everything I’d been storing up in the ol’ resentment jar labeled ‘Mom’ got thrown in her face. [I’ll write about that in the future – my behavior was so shameful that thinking about it makes me actively want to hurt myself, and self-harm has never been an issue for me. For now, I’ll just say I’m lucky she didn’t hit me or call the police on me herself. Had I been her, I would’ve done both of those things, in that order, because I deserved them.]

    I am terrified of who I became that week.
    Terrified of a next time and who I’ll be then.
    Terrified I’ll destroy myself and the people that I love and the little else that I love and have left as of this writing.
    Terrified of myself.

  • little fragments

    My coworker’s truck in front of my house, while he counts out Adderall for me. I am probably 9 beers in. It’s 11am on a Tuesday. Maybe Thursday. He asks how I’m doing, but it’s rhetorical. I am obviously not doing great. He hands my pills over and before he drives away, he says “and stop fucking drinking, goddamn.”

  • accountability

    I have to always be honest or there’s no point to any of this. I relapsed for a week from Sunday, 12.12, to Saturday, 12.18. Last drink at 7am that morning.

    Learning from it and moving on – new sobriety date of 12.19.21 and plenty of lessons learned along the way.

  • little fragments

    Day two of my 2nd stint in rehab, morning meditation

    A counselor is making his way through the great room, to the podium in the center, when he stops directly in front of me. Somehow recognizes me from my IOP program there five years earlier. Good memory. I can’t imagine how many clients have come and gone (and come and gone and come and gone).

    I remember him too and I am sleep deprived and substance free against my will. No mood for whatever sarcastic shit I’m about to hear.

    “What the fuck are you doing back here, Kirsten? Not enough fun for you the first time around?” I feel like this is a stupid question that deserves a stupid answer.

    “Can’t seem to quit fucking my life up. It’s this goddamn booze. You guys gonna fix me this time?”

  • hi, hello

    i hate writing about myself but since this is the first post, i guess it’s expected. i mainly started this blog to have somewhere i could write about my struggles with alcohol and sobriety, but also as a general holding place for the shit that goes through my head.

    i’m 28 and my life for the most part has been wonderful, until my sudden and rapid descent into alcoholism in my early 20s. in the last 8 years, my addiction has singlehandedly fucked up my entire life.

    i won’t go into too much detail because i was a really, really shitty person up until a few months ago. suffice it to say, i put my addiction before anything else in my life and subsequently lost nearly everything i hold dear.

    i’m arguably still shitty in other ways, namely being entirely too self-absorbed, totally unmotivated 85% of the time, and my decidedly unhealthy relationships with men.

    i really am trying to be a decent human being these days, and i hope this blog will help me in achieving that goal.