I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable

Just skimmed my 2018 post, rolled my eyes the entire time. Must have written a hundred similar ones across dozens of notebooks, social media posts, Tumblr for sure.. always sure that I’d finally figured it out that time. Well, 3 years later, I’m here and sober for real, and I don’t know shit about shit.

So uh, been a rough couple years, yeah? 2020 was a turning point for a new and different world and here we are at the end of 2021 still trying to figure this shit out. I’ll just straight up tell you 2020 was a walk in the fuckin park for me compared to the shit 21 threw at me. Last December I joked about coasting through this year but joke’s on me because this year got me down real low, lowest I’ve ever been.

I am tired. My body, my mental health, my spirit, what I have to offer my loved ones in conversation, support – all tapped out. I have an autoimmune disorder that’s the worst it’s ever been and COVID did a number on me in September (I was able to quit smoking then, the one silver lining). At the end of the month I finally put that goddamned bottle of vodka down and got sober, thank you baby Jesus or ant man or faceless deity if one of y’all is out there, but also a big thank you to myself. Because I finally realized I am worth more than an existence centered around alcohol. I realized that I deserve sobriety and to be happy, and I actually believe I can stay this way (with tons of hard work).

Which is where this blog comes in. I got a lot of shit to say, ok? Lol. Guess no support group exists for trauma dumping on a bunch of anonymous humans for 60 minutes every week, and therapists want me to pay them for some reason.

So I’m cobbling together a raggedy ass toolbox of coping mechanisms, healthy outlets, to keep me sober and become better. FB groups, Scribd, meditation, BP meds for the damage my drinking has done, PINTEREST! I can’t praise Pinterest enough for all the invaluable resources I’ve found. Now, this blog, I guess, unless I promptly forget it again like the hundreds of neopets I abandoned over the years.

I’m gonna use this space for other stuff I wanna share too but I gotta figure out what exactly this account means for me so I’ll be posting again soon once I do just that!

i hate writing about myself but since this is the first post, i guess it’s expected. i mainly started this blog to have somewhere i could write about my struggles with alcohol and sobriety, but also as a general holding place for the shit that goes through my head.

i’m 28 and my life for the most part has been wonderful, until my sudden and rapid descent into alcoholism in my early 20s. in the last 8 years, my addiction has singlehandedly fucked up my entire life.

i won’t go into too much detail because i was a really, really shitty person up until a few months ago. suffice it to say, i put my addiction before anything else in my life and subsequently lost nearly everything i hold dear.

i’m arguably still shitty in other ways, namely being entirely too self-absorbed, totally unmotivated 85% of the time, and my decidedly unhealthy relationships with men.

i really am trying to be a decent human being these days, and i hope this blog will help me in achieving that goal.

I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable

I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.

hi, hello (take 2)

hi, hello